I sometimes wonder if Sarah McLachlan has any idea of how much she has touched my life, to the point where I almost feel she is my alter-ego. There are so many of her lyrics that have touched me, or have brought important things from the fog into focus. When I was struggling, trying to figure out why I couldn't do what I absolutely knew had to be done, she helped me. On my way to a therapy appointment (the focus of which was trying to figure out what was stopping me from doing what I knew I had to do) ... I turn on the ignition, and the song "Stupid" comes on the radio, and here is the line that was on ...
"sleep has left me alone/ to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong/ it's all I can do to hang on, to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes.
And now, here I am feeling like everything is being shoved onto my shoulders. I feel like I have done this terrible thing to my soon-to-be-ex-husband, destroying his life even when he was "trying to fix things" (this is in quotations because there was never any real, honest-to-goodness effort). So I am sitting feeling terrible about how I have ruined his life, and although I know the reality of what led us to this point I still feel so responsible for ending things - I really do feel myself carrying the weight of this unravelling. It is such an internal fight for me to rally against the messages I have heard from him for so long - that I am irresponsible, unreliable, lazy, incompetent - and that he had to do and say what he did to balance out my shortcomings. That we are now coming to an end because I am unwilling to work it out, that I don't love him enough to fix things now that he is ready. That I am carelessly throwing away our family and that what I am choosing to do will be so harmful to our kids. That my decision to end our marriage would have killed his parents were they still living, because they loved me like a cherished daughter. That I have actively and systematically turned our children against him, and that that is the reason he is insisting on staying in our family home and forcing us out ("thanks to you, the only way they will want to see their dad is if it is the only way they get to come home"). I sit with the grief of knowing that he has chosen to turn two sets of very dear friends against me, and very likely against our kids. He has told them things that are simply untrue and are so distorted, even for him. I sit with the sadness of all of this, feeling that the weight of it might just crush me, feeling that I am doing something so profoundly hurtful and awful to my family, when along comes Sarah again! Here are the lyrics I just listened to, having heard the song, "Perfect Girl" for the first time ...
Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
in your reverie,
a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
all your expectations bury me
Don't worry ,
you will find the answer if you let it go
give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo knowing that you're loved no matter what
and everything will come around in time
I own my insecurities, I try to own my destiny
And I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
'til I'm the one who brings you down
Make me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...
You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time
The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
how did I go so wrong in loving you
Wow, Sarah. Again, you have read my life.