The one thing that very nearly did in our dating relationship was the lack of physical intimacy. We moved from friendship to a dating "couple" and for two years there was nothing more than kissing and cuddling; we slept together, literally, from about the 3 month mark of our relationship but nothing happened. This was not for lack of trying, but these efforts to engage him physically were always rebuffed, leaving me feeling confused and humiliated. Finally, I had a moment when I knew I couldn't continue in this way. Sex is not everything, but it isn't nothing either. One day, when I was on my way from the city where I lived to the one he was in, I stopped to do a little shopping. In a women's clothing shop, a song came on that stopped me in my tracks. I actually had to take something into a fitting room to hide the fact that I was beginning to cry. The song was, "I Can't Make You Love Me", by Bonnie Raitt, and at that moment it felt like she was speaking right to me. I knew right then that the pain of ending the relationship would be difficult and would involve a true grief process, but that continuing on with someone who clearly did not want to make a life with me - that was a daily hurt that was not going to go away. There was nothing more he needed to know about me, given that we'd spent nearly all our time together when we were friends before we were a couple, yet he didn't know if he was ready to settle down and accept that I was the person for him. I couldn't understand how he wasn't ready, how he didn't know we should be together forever - in that moment, however, I realized that if he was still unsure, then the answer was surely that he simply didn't want me. In that case, I knew it had to be over, that I would be unspeakably sad but that I would eventually be able to move on. I arrived at his apartment ready to end the relationship.
By the time my marriage to my passive aggressive husband came to an end I had no self-esteem. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as lonely and the sense of abandonment by my own husband was overwhelming. The loneliness I experienced in my marriage was worse than any I had ever felt as a single woman.