Family Day today. The kids had a text from their dad yesterday asking them to come for dinner today. I was really glad they agreed to go - when they do see him, it's usually nice and they come back saying "that was better than I thought it would be" and it takes them another step forward. He seems to have stopped sending any messages about them to me - no response to my request for a contribution to the cost of driver's ed (even though I'd made it clear that it was hard for me to even ask him for it), but then a cheque appears in a sealed envelope for our daughter, and there was no text saying he wanted to see them on Family Day, no recognition that I might have a special dinner planned (which I did, but didn't tell the kids about so they wouldn't feel conflicted about going). About an hour after they'd arrived, I received a message from my daughter saying "Dad would like to invite you to come for dinner". What the heck?! For months, I have tried to put this onto a friendlier path only to be met with mean and hurtful responses on a regular basis. Over the holidays, I realized I could not be friends with him and that I have to stop putting myself in emotional harm's way, minimizing any kind of contact with him. As recently as this afternoon, I received one of his 1-word text responses to something. When I do see him in person, he is cold and hateful, rarely even acknowledging my presence. This invitation was clearly to make it seem to the kids that he was reaching out to me, but I knew the truth. After how he treated me, there was no way I could go into what was my kitchen and my dining room, where I had prepared and served hundreds of meals for my family and friends, the heart of what had been my home.
I try very hard to not have the kids see me react to something badly when it comes to their dad. They have seen enough of what transpired between us to have a very clear picture already of how things were, and the way I was treated, but I really want our focus to be on moving forward to a happier place. Unfortunately, they came home half an hour too soon for that tonight! When they arrived, I had a glass of wine in one hand and the vacuum in the other, ferociously cleaning the stair carpets, and I couldn't stop crying.
Even if his invitation had been sincere, which I am 100% certain it was not (this was about making a good impression on the kids), the insensitivity of it was almost shocking. And again, I found myself in a situation where I walked into one of his passive-aggressive plans - now, he is able to say to his friends and colleagues that he reached out again to me to have me come for Family Day dinner with the kids, but I refused. I so resent being put in this situation over and over again, where my reaction plays so perfectly into his bid for martyrdom.
A big part of my work now is finding a way to let go of that caring - it bothers me so much that he shares his distorted and twisted view of our life together, and projects an image of me that is so bogus and hateful, and so profoundly unfair. I must find a way to not be bothered by it any more. As long as I let it get to me, and lose sleep over it, I am allowing him to rent space in my psyche and as long as he is filling that space, other good things have nowhere to settle in. And I am so ready for the nastiness to be gone, and to fill myself with good and loving things, things I know I deserve. Way bigger job than expected!
I try very hard to not have the kids see me react to something badly when it comes to their dad. They have seen enough of what transpired between us to have a very clear picture already of how things were, and the way I was treated, but I really want our focus to be on moving forward to a happier place. Unfortunately, they came home half an hour too soon for that tonight! When they arrived, I had a glass of wine in one hand and the vacuum in the other, ferociously cleaning the stair carpets, and I couldn't stop crying.
Even if his invitation had been sincere, which I am 100% certain it was not (this was about making a good impression on the kids), the insensitivity of it was almost shocking. And again, I found myself in a situation where I walked into one of his passive-aggressive plans - now, he is able to say to his friends and colleagues that he reached out again to me to have me come for Family Day dinner with the kids, but I refused. I so resent being put in this situation over and over again, where my reaction plays so perfectly into his bid for martyrdom.
A big part of my work now is finding a way to let go of that caring - it bothers me so much that he shares his distorted and twisted view of our life together, and projects an image of me that is so bogus and hateful, and so profoundly unfair. I must find a way to not be bothered by it any more. As long as I let it get to me, and lose sleep over it, I am allowing him to rent space in my psyche and as long as he is filling that space, other good things have nowhere to settle in. And I am so ready for the nastiness to be gone, and to fill myself with good and loving things, things I know I deserve. Way bigger job than expected!