I try very hard to not have the kids see me react to something badly when it comes to their dad. They have seen enough of what transpired between us to have a very clear picture already of how things were, and the way I was treated, but I really want our focus to be on moving forward to a happier place. Unfortunately, they came home half an hour too soon for that tonight! When they arrived, I had a glass of wine in one hand and the vacuum in the other, ferociously cleaning the stair carpets, and I couldn't stop crying.
Even if his invitation had been sincere, which I am 100% certain it was not (this was about making a good impression on the kids), the insensitivity of it was almost shocking. And again, I found myself in a situation where I walked into one of his passive-aggressive plans - now, he is able to say to his friends and colleagues that he reached out again to me to have me come for Family Day dinner with the kids, but I refused. I so resent being put in this situation over and over again, where my reaction plays so perfectly into his bid for martyrdom.
A big part of my work now is finding a way to let go of that caring - it bothers me so much that he shares his distorted and twisted view of our life together, and projects an image of me that is so bogus and hateful, and so profoundly unfair. I must find a way to not be bothered by it any more. As long as I let it get to me, and lose sleep over it, I am allowing him to rent space in my psyche and as long as he is filling that space, other good things have nowhere to settle in. And I am so ready for the nastiness to be gone, and to fill myself with good and loving things, things I know I deserve. Way bigger job than expected!